There’s a good chance on Monday I could be handed a death sentence.
I’m not being overdramatic, it’s real. I have lately had the CT scanner cast it’s eye over my abdomen to see what’s in there. Anomalies have been found near my bowel and stomach. Nobody is saying what it is because nobody wants to use the C word till it’s a done deal. I can’t blame them, it’s the right thing to do but waiting for the decision makes you put everything on hold. My mother died of bowel cancer, her sister Val and her mother. All horribly. Mum only got to 65. She went on holidays with Dad. The Aussie dream of driving around Australia and seeing some things. They got to Cairns when it hit her. Already a kidney down from her first attack, this time it spread like…well, cancer. She complained of a persistent pain in her side. So am I. As I write it’s in my stomach. Other times in my bladder or groin. Blood tests are all good but CT isn’t. Could be a hernia. Could be stones somewhere. Given the history, could be cancer.
Plan of attack. I am pretty focused on the worst. You know, plan for the worst, hope for the best. If it is cancer and the endgame is clear then better to be prepared than to shit yourself all the time. Being Buddhist helps. I tend to focus on the basics and get my mind on the job dhamma-wise. It stills your thoughts and stops you going crazy but the dhamma requires total concentration and therefore energy. You can lapse and let depression in. It would be good if you had a personal assistant to keep you on the straight and narrow. I can’t rely on Samantha because she is trying not to think about it at all. I can’t tell anyone about it because nobody else wants to worry about it either and what happens if it’s all OK? The guys at work all know but I keep a pretty lighthearted attitude toward it at work.
If it is cancer, I will be going massively polypharmic very quickly. I plan to go out like Aldous Huxley and Robert Anton Wilson. High as a kite and tripping the light fantastic. Either that or I’ll get into my kayak and paddle into the sunset on a one-way trip to oblivion. I think about legacy as well, but the dhamma kicks in and I think of impermanence and the pointlessness of legacy. I think of my kids and if they will be well prepared when I’m gone. Of course, I will probably be fine and if I am, I am resolved to do better to prepare them. I’m not scared by the prospect of death but the thought I have not done enough to set my kids up mentally disturbs me. I am actually pleased with my mental preparation and there’s a certain sense of triumph that almost makes me want to have this fight. Not really. I’ll let you know on Monday.
