The real story of Christ

Christians annoy me. I don’t hate them, I just think they’re stupid for believing in fairy tales. Every Christian should go through this exercise. For month, every time they go to use the word “GOD” substitute the word “FAIRIES” instead. It will then become abundantly clear how silly this religion is. Especially this day and age. I don’t want to go into a lengthy diatribe about all the rubbish they believe but rather posit a plausible story about what I think might have actually happened.

At some point in time that’s pretty debatable, lets say about 6 BC or not, a destitute family of Judeans gave birth to a boy in a climate of tension and uncertainty. On the one hand Judea was in the grip of Roman control exercised under the rule of an increasingly paranoid and psychotic Herod which was not limited to the mass extermination of male children. On the other hand, Herod’s parnoia is being fueled by equally psychotic Judean sects bent on bringing in a Messianic crisis to throw out the Romans and bring ‘justice’ to the rightful occupants of the land. This could be done through the assassination of certain people and preaching a messianic and apocalyptic mission to rally the masses.

The boy, Judah (or Jeshua or something but let’s just say Judah for convenience), is under threat so the family shoot through to Egypt for some time to wait out the dramas in Judea. Egypt at this time is under Roman rule but Helenistic in culture. Unlike the Ancient Egyptians of pharoahnic times. the centres of influence are on the coast around Alexandria. This city didn’t exist in Pharoahnic times and was Greek in design and culture. The great library of antiquity was still there and at the height of its influence. There was also a strong Buddhist enclave in Alexandria with there own quarter. They were there as part of a long term mission originating from King Asoka of India for undisclosed purposes. However, it would seem obvious that there was an intellectual trade route from Helenic Egypt to Buddhist Asia which would have carried along the silk roads and caravan trails.

Judah might not have been exposed directly to the intellectual nexus of Egypt but it’s certain that when he returned to Judea he was displaying a keen intellect and becoming noticed. Anyway, he grows up without any apparent excitement and there’s 17 years of his life unaccounted for. By the time he is noticed again he is 30 and fully clued up with a brave new agenda which he starts promolgating to anyone who can be bothered to listen. Of course, most of the locals have heard the rantings of every Jewish Messianic lunatic but Judah is different. He’s a nice guy and wants everyone to ‘just get along’. This goes against the general thrust of the mainstream psychobabble and he gets an audience. These are some fishermen of fairly provincial sophistication and some girls who are socially marginal at best. These are probably related somehow or are well-known to the family.

Judah has some brothers and sisters, one of whom is brother James (not sure of the Hebrew name) who is a person of some standing in the Jewish community where they live. He’s a died in the wool Jew and later comes to prominance as a leader of a movement after the disappearance of his brother.

Judah’s mission, meanwhile is gathering momentum and he catches up with a possible cousin, John, who’s taken to preaching to locals near the river. Judah turns up, usurps John’s gig and next thing he’s got a bigger following, including John. People are taking notice including Herod who thinks it’s just another dumb-ass cult that will go away like the others, either by disinterest or the Roman boot. Eventually, after a demonstration in the temple in Jerusalem, Judah starts pissing off the city mobsters and corrupt officials. Now the governor spots him and is getting a bit concerned. Herod says he’s got it covered.

Now, among the throng that Judah attracts when he holds a love-in, are some of the community’s less law-abiding types. Men such as Simon Zealotes and Judas Iscariot. That’s right Simon the Zealot or Terrorist in today’s parlance and Judas of the Sicarius, a short stabbing dagger commonly used in assassination. This guy is Mac the Knife. There’s a host of other characters which probable ranged from true believers and proto-hippies to big, dumb fishermen from Galilee. Mix in some local murderers and blackguards and you got a big warning sign to the Romans that says ‘trouble’. After three years the peace movement has reached a volume sufficient for a ceremonial peace demonstration in Jerusalem. He makes a symbolic entrance on a donkey and next thing he knows the shit has hit the fan and there’s a rebellion being talked up. He’s out of his depth here and tries to keep a peaceful grip on the situation but the looneys are in his ear saying it’s on. ‘The time has come mate, and you’re the messiah. Come-on mate, they’re right for it. We’ve been waiting years for this to happen. Let’s do it!’ He gives in and tells them to turn up at the city garden armed. If you don’t have a sword, sell your kit and buy one. But how to bring it on!

Easy I’ll get someone to tell the Romans the King of the Jews has arrived and is waiting up the hill. Who though? Judas is a dodgy bastard. Everone thinks he’ll do anything for money, send him. He’s told the story but can see he’s knackered. If he refuses he’ll be seen to be disloyal. By agreeing he’ll surely be murdered by the mob. He’s up plop creek and knows it. He’s paid some silver and he gives the message to the law and leads them up to the waiting Judah who’s taken the time to shit himself and waiver. He’s for it too because Judas brings an entire cohort of a crack Roman legion with him. That’s 600 legionaries and anywhere up to 1000 Auxilliaries. The Romans were clearly concerned and didn’t want to take chances. Judas points out Judah and pisses off for a date with a tree and a length of rope. The first sight of Imperial Stormtroopers in the park sends Judah’s rabble packing except for one stupid sod who has a go with a sword carrying out grievous bodily harm. The whole show is a fiasco and the streets are alive with fleeing mob. ‘Ere, that’s that geezer who hung out with the troublemaker’, ‘Bollocks, I’ve never heard of him’. Meanwhile, Judah is sent to the slammer for a beating and a trial for terrorism under the Roman version of the Patriot Act. There’s a cursory trial and Judah is sent out for crucifixion as an example to the others. It wasn’t much of a rebellion so we’ll only nail up three. Which ones? Just Judah and two random mobsters not fast enough to get away from the soldiers that night. The Romans come off the boil and things settle down. The body is returned to  family for burial and the disciples sit around for a couple of days saying how lucky they were they weren’t nicked. Then Jesus turns up. ‘Hey guys, guess what? I’m not dead.’ ‘Bullshit’ says brother Thomas. ‘Fair Dinkum’ says Judah, ‘check out these holes. Fuck they hurt’.

Next thing it’s ‘ you’re a dickhead for coming back here with the Romans still on. You better piss off. There’s a mob of Lebs taking some rugs up to some Greeks in Lahore. I’d jump on board and go with them.’ says James whos now in charge of things. ‘I’ve got a few things to sort out around here then I’ll catch up with you’ says Thomas. He’s still buried in Pakistan. Judah is never heard of again but says he’ll come back later. He doesn’t.

(Alternative ending.) Judah actually dies and is buried. The Romans remove the body to prevent relic takers from building a martyrdom cult. Some disciples dream or hallucinate they’ve seen him. They hadn’t because he never comes back.

Years later a dodgy Helenized Jew called Saul gets a contract to do some bovver in Damascus. On the way there he finds out about Judah’s mission from someone. “What? People actually believed that shit? Tell me how it goes again.” He thinks it’s a great yarn and he’ll tell those bored housewives back in the towns and see if he can become a guru. “Can’t blame the Romans though or they’ll get the shits. I’ll just say the Jews dobbed Judah in. Actually, we’ll call him Jesus, it sounds more Greek and the chicks’ll love it. I’ll be Paul because those bitches hate Jews.’ He abandons Damascus and starts spreading the Good News. Every hippy and new age chick of the Greek middle class gets off on the story and Paul is the guy who started it. He goes back to where it all began but gets chucked out by James and the local boys. He continues being a pain in the ass until the Romans lock him up again. He claims the right to be tried in Rome, heads off there and gets executed for his trouble. He’s changed the story till it’s beyond recognition and actually believes in it to such a degree his ultra-piety gets him killed. It also got Peter killed too and tradition has it that they were killed on the same day. They probably were.

That’s the end of the story because the next 2000 years have nothing to do with Jesus and all to do with a psychotic reign of oppression, mysogyny and bloodshed which would have appalled the real Judah and his probable Buddhist leanings.

Biblical ‘scholars’ will probably furnish a whole range of ‘evidence’ to back up their claims of supernatural Zombie gods who walk on water but the historical reality was more prosaic and more like I’ve described even if my version is modified greatly.  The thing is that my version has the benefit of plausibility where the orthodox does not. As this post will set the basis of a chain of other posts I thought it best to make my position clear on this before proceeding.